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​Pup Pup blog

8/13/2024

12 Songs by Samantha Slaven

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12 Songs by Samantha Slaven

1. Listening to a lot lately:
"Cruel Summer" - Taylor Swift
2. Artist I've seen live:
"Runaway (2023)" - P!nk
3. Zodiac sign:
"Crazy Kids" - Kesha
4. Breaks my Heart:
"Lullaby" - American Murder Song
5. Makes me dance:
"Shut Up and Dance" - Walk the Moon
6. 18 year old me:
"Dance in the Dark" - Lady Gaga
7. Comfort:
"Song for The Lonely" - Cher
8. Wrestling theme:
"Daughters of Darkness" - Halestorm
9. Music crush:
"Poison Poison" - Renee Rapp
10. Reminds me of my parents:
"Mother’s Daughter" - Miley Cyrus
11. Feels like summer:
"Summertime Sadness" - Lana Del Rey
12. Jukebox one-shot:
"Last Call" - P!nk

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Samantha Slaven is a shadow-dwelling word gremlin living with her husband, Shawn, and familiar, Vader, in the wilds of Suburban Philadelphia. Samantha’s previous conjurings can be found in the
Horror Zine Magazine, the Pup Pup blog of Meow Meow Pow Pow Lit, and issue six of Collide Zine.

8/9/2024

12 Songs By Kit McG

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​12 SONGS BY ​Kit McG

1. Listening to a lot lately:
"Kiss Them For Me" - Siouxsie & the Banshees
2. Artist I've seen live:
"Mockingbirds" - Grant Lee Buffalo
3. Zodiac sign:
"Army of Me" - Bjork
4. Breaks my Heart:
"Who Wants to Live Forever" - Queen
5. Makes me dance:
"Got to Give it Up" - Marvin Gaye
6. 18 year old me:
"The Crunge" - Led Zepplin
7. Comfort:
"Snow" - Loreena McKennitt
8. Wrestling theme:
"Firestarter" - Prodigy
9. Music crush:
"All Summer Single" - Billy Idol
10. Reminds me of my dad:
"William Tell Overature (Lone Ranger Theme)" - Hans Zimmer
11. Feels like summer:
"Boys of Summer" - Don Henley
12. Jukebox one-shot:
"Jesus Built My Hotrod" - Ministery

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Kit McG is a textile artist, occasional writer, regulatory geek, and pet nanny. She loves Mack trucks, road trips, tea, and cake. Visit her at www.krismcg.com

8/7/2024

The Weight of Love by John Delaney

After his breakfast, he comes back to bed
to rest on my che​st, all ten pounds of him,
folding his front feet under, head forward
like the figurehead of his bread-loaf ship,
rising and falling on my calm-sea breaths,
eyes focused on his destination: me.
So it is, at different times of the day,
he’ll find my lap to take a nap, anchoring
safely in my bay, all ten pounds of him.
Sails furled, meaning limbs licked clean and stowed
below in their berths, he’ll plot a new course
that may take him round the household world.
Then, coming about, homeward bound again,
he’ll dock his precious cargo: all ten pounds.
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After retiring as curator of historic maps at Princeton University Library, I moved out to Port Townsend, WA, and have traveled widely, preferring remote, natural settings. Since that transition, I’ve published Waypoints (2017), a collection of place poems, Twenty Questions (2019), a chapbook, Delicate Arch (2022), poems and photographs of national parks and monuments, and Galápagos (2023), a collaborative chapbook of my son Andrew’s photographs and my poems. Nile, a chapbook of poems and photographs about Egypt, appeared in May 2024.

8/7/2024

12 Songs by Jane-Rebecca Cannarella

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12 SONGS BY Jane-Rebecca Cannarella

1. Listening to a lot lately:
"Donna" - Rubblebucket
2. Artist I've seen live:
"Future is the Future"  -  Electric Six 
3. Zodiac sign:
"Causing a Commotion" - Madonna
4. Breaks my Heart:
"Jesus, Etc." - Wilco
5. Makes me dance:
"Pick Up the Phone" - Dragonette
6. 18 year old me:
"Debaser" - The Pixies
7. Comfort:
"The Long Island Sound" - Beirut
8. Wrestling theme:
"Heaven is a Place on Earth" - Belinda Carlisle 
9. Music crush:
"The Recluse" - Cursive
10. Reminds me of my dad:
"Moonshadow" - Cat Stevens
11. Feels like summer:
"Fuego!" - Murder by Death
12. Jukebox one-shot:
"Roam" - The B-52s

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Jane-Rebecca Cannarella (she/her) is a writer and editor living in West Philly. She likes music and used to review albums. As a child she dreamed of being a singer, and took piano lessons, which she never had the discipline to keep up with. 

Jane-Rebecca is the owner of a melodica that she hasn't touched in ages, a large record collection that is not well kept, old ticket stubs collecting dust somewhere, and several cats who also like music with a preference for surf rock and Shostakovich. Her favorite band is the B-52s and has been since she was 5-years-old. 

8/6/2024

12 songs and An Essay by J.C. Rodriguez

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12 songs by J.C. Rodriguez

1. listening to a lot lately
"Trust Me” – Sincere Engineer
2. band I've seen live
"The Sun” – Tigers Jaw
3. zodiac sign
“Simple and Clean” – Utada
4. breaks my heart
“Elephants” – Rachael Yamagata
5.  makes me wanna dance
“At the Speed of a Yellow Bullet” – Head Automatica
6. from/for 18-year old me
“What Lies Between Your Skin and Your Bones” – Love, Robot
7. comfort song
“Both Sides Now” – Joni Mitchell
8. wrestling entrance theme
“Zero” – Vanna
9. my music crush
“Lo Siento BB :/” – Tainy, Bad Bunny, Julieta Venegas
10. reminds me of my parents
“Somebody” – Depeche Mode
11. feels like summer
“Antidote” – Orion Sun
12. last song on the jukebox before I die
“Sister” – Jawbreaker

Playlist for Commuting on the LIE

I’m turning 30 at the end of the year & about once a week I ask myself if I’m too old for sad subculture scenester shit & SURE I might be, but I defy anyone to tell me that emo (both as a loose genre & a general mood) doesn’t ABSOLUTELY slap during the summer. When it hits 85 degrees, give me a car with working AC, a three-beverage rotation, & some sad shit & we’re in fucking business. 

"Trust Me” – Sincere Engineer /// listening to a lot lately

Kicking off this playlist with something I was put onto by one of my favorite people, Hard Times contributor Steve Yuen. He shared this music video on Facebook once & I think I commented “sounds like if Good Clean Fun was overproduced & suburban” after only listening to the first like 30 seconds. Since that original flippant snark, this has become one of my favorite pop punk songs by one of my favorite current pop punk bands. It captures everything that’s good about the genre, a sickeningly catchy clinic in yelping first-world misery over power chords. A song that points out all the simple pleasures in life & all the simple reasons we do not allow ourselves to them. 

"The Sun” – Tigers Jaw /// band I’ve seen live

The summer after my first year of college, I met Ben Walsh (one of the guitarist-vocalists on this track) outside of Santos Party House (during the tour that everyone thought they’d break up after) & low key started crying (sorry Ben). Tigers Jaw is so important to me. It’s music that’s intricately whiny in a way that’s almost orchestral, from a band that’s made one of the most believable pivots from emo to indie rock. It’s clever sadness, delivered in an awkward manner that manages to never quite veer into cringe territory.  This song is a thorough exploration of what makes that shit fun. A quick catchy intro about not being enough or compatible, a lengthy middle section that’s lyrically hopeful but sonically miserable, & an ending that seems to problematically reconcile the two. 

“Simple and Clean” – Utada /// zodiac sign

Okay, four things. One, Filipinos don’t play about Utada. Two, Kingdom Hearts fans don’t play about Utada. Three, I’m a Filipino-American that used to be a moderator of a Kingdom Hearts role play message board. Four, we stan a non-binary Capricorn icon. I tried not to be basic. I tried to be ~mysterious~ & use a deep cut. I tried not to pick this song. I tried not to pick First Love, either. But no, it’s fucking Simple and Clean, man. 

I’d like to believe that somewhere in a parallel world, I perform as a drag queen under the name “Oooh Bae” & my best brunch number is to this song. I come out in a purple short-straight bob wig with bangs, a blindfold, & an Organization XIII cosplay robe. When the acoustic guitar comes in at 0:26, I remove the robe & blindfold to reveal a gothic maid outfit. At the “Don’t get me wrong, I love you / but does that mean I have to meet your father?” lyric, I situate myself between the age-gap bear couple & make provocative gestures, then go back to my routine. It’s slow, soulful, sensual. No gymnastics, minimal floor work. Just me pleading on my back & on my knees. Finally, once the “hold me….” climax hits at 3:25, I invite someone in the audience to bury their head into my smooth, shiny, shaved, moisturized, all-natural brown B-cup bosom.

“Elephants” – Rachael Yamagata /// breaks my heart

A prolific writer tweeted this song after their breakup with another prolific writer. It was during the COVID quarantine. I clicked the link, heard the song for the first time, & started sobbing. I was not going through a breakup, but my lolo had just died. Every night that summer, I listened to this song while smoking cigarettes on my parents’ porch. I don’t smoke anymore, but I still love this song, & my lolo is still dead. 

“At the Speed of a Yellow Bullet” – Head Automatica /// makes me wanna dance

Terrible transition, I know, but do we not deserve some levity from grief? I can count on one hand all the times I’ve danced, let alone wanted to. I’m not particularly proud of this fact, it’s just the way I am. For example, near the end of my cousin’s wedding reception, she got absolutely blitzed & found me at the corner of the dance floor bobbing my head. She was screaming “J.C.! This is my wedding! I paid a lot of money for this shit! You better start fucking dancing!”

The last time I actually danced was probably 2012. I was 17. My coworker at Hot Topic was throwing a Halloween party at her house. Our assistant manager drove me & my best friend over. I think on the way there, they decided to start a band that would end up just sounding like Fall Out Boy. The host’s ex’s brother (I think?) was mixing drinks. He hesitated before handing it to me. He was like “are you sure you’re old enough?” & I was like “bro, I literally just did coke with some guy in the bathroom, who the fuck cares?” which made him laugh.

From what I can remember, the party was a vibe. It was a wild assortment of goths, cholo-wannabees, borderline incel gamers, new Long Island moms, & scene kid rejects. When this track came out everyone sang along & danced. Something about dance-punk really brings people together, I guess. Also, the host showed me how to download League of Legends to a Mac that night. I think she’s a Twitch streamer now. That’s pretty cool.

“What Lies Between Your Skin and Your Bones” – Love, Robot /// from 18 year old me

Aight, history lesson SLASH opportunity for me to get real fucking nerdy about some regional music scene shit. Long Island might be having a glorious renaissance & return to form with melodic hardcore bands like Private Mind, HEAVYHEX, Stand Still, Inside, & Crime In Stereo now BUT there was a stretch where basically all our local shows were for shitty EDM metalcore hybrids & All Time Low clones. 

Love, Robot’s first album came out when that situation was most dire & it offered local Tumblr users a break from all that. Half the band had just quit, including their original singer, & they had just come off a very poppy EP that some fans were not fucking with. The four members left in the dust created something just as catchy, but darker, more aggressive, & with a campy edge. At the risk of sounding reductive, imagine early Paramore with sapphic lyrics & screaming. Y’know how like you can just tell from her singing that Haylee Williams was a southern gospel singer as a kid? Well, you can tell from listening that Love, Robot’s vocalists definitely grew up on Long Island.

Breaking this down to its loveliest skeleton was tight percussion by Anthony Rega. Rega, who had just come in from Azariah (a neighboring post-hardcore darling at the time), reinforced a sound of 75% harmony & 25% discord from Love Robot’s veteran members. Punchy baselines & echoing growls from Tyler Schwab offered muscle. The flesh, allowed to finally form by the duo of guitarist-vocalists Alexa San Roman & Sean Murphy. 
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They switched off expertly & circumstantially between atmospheric post-rock, twangy emo, & chuggy hardcore riffs – always being sure to complement each other. Vocally, they gave us a sparring match. San Roman’s soulful, desperate pleas up against Murphy’s raw, sometimes sinister sounding, actualizations, a sonic medium for a lyrical journey of heartbreak, transition, grief, & reluctant, unfortunate self-acceptance.

& when I was 18, this was my bible for how to grow, knowing that the future me would discover new flaws anyway. A blueprint for evolving emotionally & aesthetically in a way that acknowledges the past & an introductory meditation on just being a fucking person. 

Thanks Love, Robot <3

“Both Sides Now” – Joni Mitchell /// comfort song

Specifically, the 2000 re-recording, where her voice was all raspy from the drinking & the smoking & the life living. I know by this point I’ve probably established myself & my taste as this ungracefully aging Hot Topic employee, but I shit you not, this is actually my favorite song of all time. First & forever imprinted onto my brain from Love Actually, which is also my favorite movie of all time. 

I think I was 8 when I first saw it, which was probably too young but whatever. This song plays when Emma Thompson’s character realizes on Christmas that her husband, played by Alan Rickman, is cheating on her (or at least intends to, probably). It’s haunting, she listens to the song on a CD gifted to her by said husband, weeps in the corner of the bed they share, & then collects herself to put on appearances for her children in the living room. It’s a scene that has only gotten more poignant as I’ve gotten older, but I want you to understand how I saw this at 8 years old: 
Hilary Clinton was crying because Professor Snape was totally gonna cheat on her with one of the doctors from Resident Evil. 

“Zero” – Vanna /// wrestling entrance theme 

This is a cover of the Smashing Pumpkins joint. My mom always had K-Rock on when I was a kid, so I’m pretty sure I’ve been listening to Smashing Pumpkins my whole life. My dad, while musically a fan, was an outspoken hater of Billy Corrigan as a person. Spoiler alert, my dad was right. That said, I’m pretty sure I liked every Smashing Pumpkins single except this one, & Vanna was one of my formative post-hardcore bands. I saw Davey Muise (singer of Vanna) play a solo show like halfway through the Trump presidency & he went on this segue about how borders are bad because his wife is a Canadian immigrant & also that we should all love caramel people. I, as the only brown person in that 100-cap venue yelled out, “caramel people love you too!”

“Lo Siento BB :/” – Tainy, Bad Bunny, Julieta Venegas /// my music crush

When Benito first came onto the scene, I finally understood adult Swifties. I am, quite literally, obsessed with everything this man does. From getting put through a table in WWE, to trying to act, to promoting Latin American trans musicians, I just love him. I put on his music in the car to remind myself (& certain neighborhoods) that I am, indeed (or at least partially) Latino. Add Tainy & Julieta Venegas, & that is simply too many beautiful people on one track. 

“Somebody” – Depeche Mode /// reminds me of my parents

My parents have two love songs they consider theirs. This is the one in English. When I think about my parents, I think about how they’re the only functional adult couple I know. My mom attributes this to an active sex life & the liberating knowledge that you can walk away at any time, but I think there’s another part of the answer somewhere in these lyrics. 

“Antidote” – Orion Sun /// feels like summer

It was six months after my first adult break-up & the first truly sunny day of the year. I had texted my ex because they had my dead uncle’s jacket & I wanted to get it back. They were agreeable to meeting. He was actually my tita’s ex-husband-turned-boyfriend-again, but I called him my uncle. He invited me to live with him when I got into college & died right before I moved in. I loved the guy & he had this old denim Marlboro jacket from when people would mail back cigarette packs like Box Tops.

I drove from Queens to the North Fork to get it back. This song was playing on repeat. We met up on some small beach, made out almost instantly, got lunch, & made plans to spend the next weekend together. I went back to the city to hang out with my friends.

Our group wound up in Koreatown & got really drunk. My friend Debbie (who is about a third my size) dragged me out to the street corner & told me I was making a mistake. Debbie is the most sensible person I know. I did not listen to Debbie. I spent the summer with my ex & we listened to this song in the car often. Then fall came & we broke up again in a Golden Krust parking lot, & Debbie, as always, was right. 

“Sister” – Jawbreaker /// last song on the jukebox before I die

One night during that same summer, I drove my sister to that same Golden Krust. She was probably like 10 or something. She had just finished up at an evening orchestra thing & my parents were too tired to figure out dinner (she was a fairly particular eater at this time). I threw out curry patties as a suggestion & she got super excited. On the drive, she told me all about Gacha Life chibi anime edits and the Sanders Sides YouTube series. Two things I had zero cultural context for, but she explained them to me in a way I fully understood what both of those things were, & why they appealed to her, in like 10 minutes. I started crying by the end of the conversation. There was something mystical about realizing that this child I’d looked after & helped raise was developing her own tastes. Like it was the first step in a journey for an interesting life of pursuing interesting interests. 

​

Spotify:


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​J.C. Rodriguez is a writer from Long Island (duh). His best work was on Meow Meow Pow Pow years ago & is still chasing that initial high. He has spent the summer running away from his problems & eating cheeseburgers in his car. You can find him online @ his website brownmoon.rip

7/30/2024

12 Songs by Ellen Metro

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12 SONGS BY Ellen Metro

1. Listening to a lot lately:
"JJ" - Priests
2. Artist I've seen live:
"No 13 Baby" - Pixies
3. Zodiac sign:
"Lucky Star" - Madonna
4. Breaks my Heart:
"A Better Son/Daughter" - Rilo Kiley
5. Makes me dance:
"Ca Plane Pour Moi" - Plastic Bertrand
6. 18 year old me:
"Saints" - The Breeders
7. Comfort:
"I Am That I Am" - Peter Tosh
8. Wrestling theme:
"Machine Gun Funk" - Notorious B.I.G
9. Music crush:
"Jack the Ripper" - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
10. Reminds me of my dad:
"I Won't Back Down" - Tom Petty
11. Feels like summer:
"Hey You" - The Pharcyde
12. Jukebox one-shot:
"I'm Goin' Down" - Bruce Springsteen

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Ellen Metro is a woman living in South Philly who probably still drinks too much coffee and is definitely still trying to prove to new people whom she meets that "Yes, Metro really *is* my real last name".

Ellen has been living in Philly for the past 19 years. Originally from Pittsburgh, her greatest existential crises involve being torn between the Eagles and the Steelers and whether to become a scientist or a writer when she grows up.

Just some of Ellen's favorite things include living alone with her 2 rescue cats, conversations about everything and nothing, 90's hip-hop, and the triumphant return of Mom jeans.

7/30/2024

Tara Giancaspro interviewing Avery Mandeville of Little Hag

As we get ready to fall through the cotton candy matrix and land with all our paws in August Leo season we've been blasting Little Hag's super catchy new single "YOU BLEW IT!" here at Meow Meow Pow Pow HQ. We've been opening the windows and playing the other single "THE MACHINE" onto the street while mopping up candy wrappers. We've been visiting the 2021 and 2020 albums Leash and Whatever Happened To Avery Jane? like finding old friends we have somehow always known. Singing along with "BLOOD". We're hyped for the album which releases on August 23rd and you can pre-order on bandcamp here. 
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We found out about Little Hag through Tara Giancaspro's substack which we adore and love reading and recommend you check out, where she writes weekly posts on pop culture and other topics ranging from personal to interviews, including this excellent interview with Avery Mandeville of Little Hag.

Excerpts from An interview with Avery Mandeville of Little Hag!: 

I was in love immediately, and now have a photo of Avery Mandeville, Little Hag’s frontwoman and one of the first people I texted when Scandoval broke, in my wallet.
When I was a senior in high school, I interned at Bar-None Records, demoing CD’s (Sharpieing through bar codes to make them unsellable before sending them off to radio stations and blogs). I loved Glenn and Mark, the heads of the label, and have kept in touch with them since 2009 (!), so proud that a local business based in Weehawken has had such an impact in the world of indie music. Glenn reached out a few years ago to let me know I had to check out his newest signee, this sea-punk redhead with a Buddy Holly hiccup and a complete distaste for censorship. I was in love immediately, and now have a photo of Avery Mandeville, Little Hag’s frontwoman and one of the first people I texted when Scandoval broke, in my wallet. Avery graciously agreed to an interview, and I was all too happy to use this to promote her new single, “You Blew It!”

Little Hag was formed in 2016 in the suburbs of central Jersey by Mandeville, guitarist Matt Fernicola and drummer Owen Flanagan; joined in recent years by bassist Mitchell Warren-Devlin and keyboardist/vocalist Cara Introcaso. Fern and Avery came up together in the local open mic scene, eventually hosting their own at the legendary Inkwell Coffeehouse in West Long Branch where they worked on what would become Avery’s debut self titled material. After signing to Hoboken’s Bar/None Records in 2020, they released Whatever Happened To Avery Jane, a compilation of older tunes with the new summer bummer pop single “Tetris” about the mortifying feeling of COVID induced lust. Then came the truly messy, NSFW heavy hitters on 2021’s Breakfast EP, an unholy trinity of "Piss,” “Blood" and "Cum.” Their following sophomore LP Leash was abrasive and daring, calling out a variety of shitty dudes - exes, alcoholics and old man stalkers - and the ugly ways we self sabotage. The power of these feminist anthems saw Little Hag take the late stage performing with Bright Eyes, Alex G, Interpol and Spoon in their hometown of Asbury Park, with Naked Giants in L.A. and at Feile Na Greine festival in Limerick, Ireland.
Their following sophomore LP Leash was abrasive and daring, calling out a variety of shitty dudes - exes, alcoholics and old man stalkers - and the ugly ways we self sabotage.

I actually don't know this about you - where did Little Hag come from? I know you use your name in your music and branding: Whatever Happened To Avery Jane? and "But come on Avery, nothing is free" in "The Whole World," which is the line I scream the hardest during your set, every set. What was the decision process in adopting a band name vs. using your own, and were there any strong runners-up?
​

I wanted to separate my real self and my singer/songwriter years from the full band music we were making. When we signed to Bar/None Records it felt like a good time to rebrand! The origin of Little Hag’s name is kinda stupid. I was going through a phase where I was changing my Instagram handle weekly to like @officiajoeyfatone and @officialdanitykane. At some point it became @littlehag and just stuck. My handles before that were @mrnicebutt and @nomoremrnicebutt so things could’ve been… very different.

How does being from New Jersey inform your lyricism and ethos?
​

Being a Jersey Girl is so important to me. I love the beach, pork roll, and having a man pump my gas. I probably would be A Bitch no matter where I was from but being from Jersey makes me That Bitch.

Read the interview in full and check out Taras substack!

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We asked Tara if she wanted to join the MMPP family and contribute more to the blog and she said YES so stay tuned for more cool content!

In the meantime check out
Lana by Tara Giancaspro on the blog.

7/18/2024

12 songs by Izzy Maxson

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Include pic and bio (can be informal).

12 songs by Izzy Maxson

1. Listening to a lot lately:
"Nothing Matters" - The Last Dinner Party
2. Artist I've seen live:
"Dark Arts" - Man Man
3. My zodiac sign:
"Changing Of The Guard" - Bob Dylan
4. A song that breaks your heart:
"Dirty Dancing"- Frida Hyvönen
5. Makes me dance:
"The Paris Swing Box" - Parov Stelar
6. A song from 18 year old you
"Parting Of The Sensory" - Modest Mouse
7. Comfort:
"Mr November" - The National
 8. Wrestling theme:
"Stand For The Fire Demon" - Roky Erickson
9. Music crush:
"Big Science" - Laurie Anderson
10. Reminds me of a parent:
"Spider Web" - Joan Osborne
11. Reminds me of summer:
"Be Sweet" - Japanese Breakfast
12. Playing on the jukebox when I die if I'm only allowed one
"Blue River" - Eric Andersen

Spotify:


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​Izzy Maxson is a writer and performance artist. The author of several collections of poetry including "Maps To The Vanishing" and "The Whisper Gallery", they live in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

7/17/2024

Lana by Tara Giancaspro

I am not a Lana Girlie. I have never fucked a cop. I have never seen her live and don’t feel a need to. She knows why. I have never sampled coke or gotten one of those surgical douches that makes your vagina taste like Cherry Coke Zero. I have been to Venices Italy and Beach but would not classify myself to be as intimate with these locales as to call myself their bitch. I am not a featured performer on the Great Gatsby soundtrack. I could go on. 
​

But. I saw this tweet and thought I’d tell you all why I put on rings engraved with a Lana lyric every time I leave the house.
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In 2018, I left a seven-month relationship that decimated me. Seven months doesn’t seem like much. We didn’t hit every holiday. We weren’t together for either of our birthdays. But there was time entwined before and after, and I took tearstreaked leave four times before it stuck, and I was threatened, and made less of, was told I was irresistible for a mind and a spark and a brightness that was maligned and made gauzy and dim. And nearly snuffed out entirely. 

It all felt wrong. It felt wrong. It was wrong. It was so very wrong. It was not love, what I was living. It was not love, what I was being given: a fire scorching my palms, not passion. My throat being slit, a garroting, not an embrace from behind, not a spooning sway. It was not love, what I had to give back: CVS receipts with the prices for “but” and “you said” and “on this date” and “that’s not true” and “it’s okay,” which I eventually started shopping for at Costco, where you could save fifty cents on every mollification if you bought six cases. 

It was not who I was, who I had to become to love him, to protect him, and to best him in a chess match with my sanity nestled at the bottom of a gold trophy cup. 

I won. 

Of course I won. 

Lana helped.

I want to include some of the lyrics below because I believe you all can quite easily understand how such an anthem, a “modern manifesto” as Lana calls it, would be a clarion call to safety for someone in and then leaving a toxic relationship with a middle-aged man (of course) whose patterns, proclivities, nigh-kinks involved invalidating my reality. 

This is my commitment, my modern manifesto 
I'm doing it for all of us who never got the chance 
For, and for 
And all my birds of paradise 
Who never got to fly at night 
'Cause they were caught up in the dance 

Sometimes it feels like I've got a war in my mind 
I wanna get off, but I keep riding the ride 
I never really noticed that I had to decide 
To play someone's game, or live my own life 
And now I do 
I wanna move 
Out of the black (out of the black) 
Into the blue (into the blue) 

Finally 
Gone is the burden of the Crowley way of being 
That comes from energies combined 
Like my part was I 
Was not discerning 
And you, as we found out 
Were not in your right mind 

There's no more chasing rainbows and hoping for an end to them 
Their arches are illusions, solid at first glance 
But then you try to touch them 
There's nothing to hold on to 
The colors used to lure you in 

And put you in a trance 

When I left this person, the single oil slick-colored thread tying my soul to my insides decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to get a tattoo to commemorate the Houdini heist of my own body and essence. Thank goodness. The cognitive dissonance was still so heady for the months after I left, and I felt that not only would I never move on - spiritually, to a better life, a happy relationship, a happiness within myself - but also that I would never be able to let him go from my heart despite the damage he did. No Lifetime movie ever takes the time to describe how it is, likely more than money or “confidence", cognitive dissonance that keeps you in an abusive situation. Looking back, a tattoo would have kept this man’s memory and his touch on my skin, something I couldn’t take off every night. There are some days that go by where I do not remember him at all. Some. Not many. But some. I’m proud of that choice, to allow myself the grace of forgetting. 

Instead, I called upon a mantra from Lana that made my heart soar each time I listened: “Out of the black! Into the blue!” I had these lines inscribed on rings by one of my favorite jewelers in the cursive I never shook and that my childhood best friend Chelsea says hasn’t changed since the third grade. This, too, felt important and I am so glad I honored myself by putting my heart and my intentions in my own hand, and they are wrapped around my right ring finger every morning before vaulting off into the world. I rarely feel their weight anymore, in symbolistic ounces or grams, but my hand feels less like mine without them. I feel less mine without them. 

I find frequent irony in this lyric’s resonance within my soul and its accompaniment to my every outfit. I wear black, all the time. My eyeliner is black, my Lambo’s blue. I wear black more than any other color. If I own an orange or red or blue shirt, I also own it in black. My email receipts for bra orders contain colors like “onyx,” “eightball,” “like my soul." 

But I knew what Lana meant. Thanks, girl.
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Tara Giancaspro (she) is the creator of xoxo Gossip Giancaspro, a weekly Substack including personal essays, pop culture commentary, and the various and sundry of her silly little life. She has released music under the name Sweaty Lamarr, available to stream everywhere, including "Abbey, I'm Sorry I Stole Your Man," a Jolene sequel from Jolene's perspective. She has been published in Wig-Wag Mag and Drunk Monkeys Literary, is a Cancer sun, and got bit by a dolphin once - establishing a potentially generational blood feud. Giancaspro can be found on Instagram and Twitter at @SweatyLamarr. She is based in New Jersey, if you couldn't tell by the hair.

taragiancaspro.substack.com

7/8/2024

12 SONGS BY Anthony Robinson

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Include pic and bio (can be informal).

12 SONGS BY Anthony Robinson

1. Listening to a lot lately:
"Get Me Away from Here, I'm Dying" - Belle & Sebastian
2. Artist I've seen live:
"Paris 1919" - John Cale
3. Zodiac sign:
"Working Class Hero" - John Lennon
4. Breaks my Heart:
"Superstar" - The Carpenters
5. Makes me dance:
"Paper Planes" - M.I.A.
6. 18 year old me:
"Feel No Way" - Peter Tosh 
7. Comfort:
"Cloudbusting" - Kate Bush
8. Wrestling theme:
"House of Suffering" - Bad Brains
9. Music crush:
"Be My Wife" - David Bowie
10. Reminds me of my dad:
"No Time to Cry" - Bonnie Prince Billy / Iris DeMent
11. Feels like summer:
"LDN" - Lily Allen
12. Jukebox one-shot:
"Watch Your Step" - Elvis Costello

​SPOTIFY:


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Anthony Robinson lives on the side of a mountain in rural Oregon with an orange cat named Raúla. Sometimes he writes poems.
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