All Categories

1/2/2020 0 Comments

Learning to Drive - Mireya S. Vela

When Tía Lupe arrives to pick me up, she honks the horn. I rush out. I don’t like to keep people waiting.

When I’m close, she gets out of the car and walks around to the passenger door. Her car is loud and hot and filled with trash. I settle into the driver’s seat. I put on my seatbelt, adjust the mirrors and roll up my window. As I drive away from the curve, the bottles of soda rattle in the back.
Lupe is calm and confident as she gives me instructions. She’s my mom’s niece but they’re the same age. She’s married to my dad’s younger brother.

Unlike other families, the women in our family don’t drive. Tradition weighs heavily on us. Unlike getting married and having children, this is a choice. My mother doesn’t drive. Her mother doesn’t drive. My dad’s mother doesn’t drive. Primarily, the men drive. They decide where we go and when. My mother doesn’t leave without permission.

Tía Lupe drives. When she leaves the house, she’s often followed by her husband. He spies on her, stalks her, watches her. I’ve been in the car, when she’s spotted him. My mom was in the front passenger seat. I was ten and sat in the backseat. Lupe pulled over and got out of the car to talk to him. I held myself still in patient tension as I watched him talk to her through the rearview mirror. Mom didn’t say anything. She looked forward. But I wondered with constricted breath what we would do if he hit her. It was a hot day and I remember the warm seats caused puddles of sweat beneath my thighs. I was relieved when she returned.

I haven’t decided my place in the family yet. I’m 20. I want big things like independence and autonomy. I’d rather die than be stuck here. It seems so cliché, but I’d rather die than live without freedom. I don’t want to be my mother. I’m a practiced self-harmer. When I tell myself I won’t live without freedom, I do this with an escape plan in mind.

After I’m 30 and I leave El Monte—a city east of L.A.--again, I will have nightmares about being trapped here. Those nightmares will hold me into my forties and beyond that.

“Now turn to the right,” she says, “We are heading to the mall.”

“Okay,” I say.

Her hair is long and permed into tight curls that tend to frizz. She’s a cloud of golden brown fuzz. She hates her forehead so she keeps her curly bands at eyebrow level. Her traditional aesthetic means she’s all dressed up and wearing heeled shoes. At this stage in the timeline of her beauty, her eyebrows are tattooed. Her lipstick is a freshly applied bright mauve.

There’s a cassette tape playing loudly. I ask her to lower the music.

“It’s fine,” she says.

“It’s too loud.”

“No, it isn’t. You have to learn to drive with distractions,” she says, “You are so young, you need to learn to live a little. Stop living like you’re an old woman whose life is over.”

“It’s hurting my ears,” I say.

“You’ll get used to it.”

As I drive, my face is pinched and I have to take deep breathes. My senses are overloaded. And I’m angry that she’s ignoring me. I take deep breathes to calm down. But being with her right now, is one of the most joyous moments of my young adulthood.

Despite how critical she is, she believes I might be something. She sees the possibilities of my life unfolding in front of me. I think she sees hope. As we drive, I wonder again who she is defying to teach me. It is her mother-in-law or my father or her husband? Is it my mother? How many are rooting for me to fail?

Tia Lupe and I always had a tense relationship. She’s a declarative women with a deeply abusive past. She constantly rubs me the wrong way. She doesn’t like to hear me say “no” to her.

But love is tricky. Lupe has been in my life from the beginning. She spends every weekend with us—with my mom. We are as close, but I know she also lies to me.

We head to the mall, Lupe turns up the music and rolls down all the windows. She’s ablaze in sound and wind and the chaos of hair. I take a deep breath.

In a few years, Lupe will be dead. And my mind will circle back to this moment between us again and again. A moment. What’s a moment?

A moment can be everything. I doubt it took her longer than a moment to write that note and take those pills. In a single moment she decided she was done. She flung her head back and swallowed death. She probably didn’t even think of me.

She comes once or twice a week to teach me how to drive. In that hour that we spend together, I smell her perfume. Beneath the chemically scent, I can smell her skin coming alive like a jungle. She wears tight pants and a loud patterned blouse. And she talks to me in clipped tones that are self-assured and unwavering.

She has severe mental illness. But I don’t know this. She doesn’t share her stories with me. Her stories are making the rest of the family panic. Her omission feels like lies. I wonder later if she was as afraid of my judgement as I was of hers?

My family doesn’t like me. I break their rules too much. I’m driven. I’ve graduated school with high honors. They act like they are proud. But I can tell something is wrong. My male cousins aren’t achieving what I’ve achieved. They aren’t graduating. My father’s family is wondering who the hell I think I am to usurp their men so easily.

I come from a family of criminal immigrants. In my father’s family, the men dominate and somehow always end up in jail. They don’t believe in respecting the American system. They all came in illegally and live their lives skirting the edges of society. We aren’t really engaged. We aren’t really involved. We aren’t fully here. Part of them in still in Mexico. Part of me is stuck deeply in trauma.

I’m at the edges of this family—a marginalized person within a marginalized group. Later, much later, I will feel betrayed by Lupe’s silence. I will be angry that my mother isolated me this way. And much later after that, I will understand that this isn’t anger. It’s grief.

I adore her. Tía Lupe is a second mother, much bolder than my own. She somehow balances my mother’s unbending anxiety. Unlike my mom, Lupe talks more openly about her own anxiety and depression. Lupe talks about her bad marriage. And she complains a lot. She’s one long wail.

Every weekend, my father’s family visits Grandmother Lola. She lives next door. After Lupe greets her mother-in-law, she comes over our house. Often, Lupe’s mom is also there. My mom, Belia and Lupe gather around the dinner table and talk about their husbands and their children.

Sometimes, Belia’s other daughters visit as well.

I prefer to stay in my room. But the laughing and the bellowing draw me out. It’s 11 AM on a Sunday. I’m 14 and believe people have no business visiting at such an early hour. I’m still in my pajamas.

It’s Isabel laughing. When she laughs it’s a booming sound like the explosion of a tire on the highway. I wave as I head to the kitchen to grab something to eat. I’m quiet as I move about. Lupe is talking about her sons.

“No, no. Boys are so gross. You should see how they leave the bathroom.”

I cringe. I grab a bowl and set it softly on the counter. I open the fridge to take out the milk. There’s very little left. I miss the conversation as I lean into the fridge to see if there is more milk.

“This is just so hard,” Lupe says, “I don’t really want to be around. I feel done.”

She has two sons. Her oldest son is 15. The youngest is about 10 years old.

“We all feel that way,” my mom says, “It’s just so important to remember what it says in the Bible.”

I’ve heard my mom’ speech before. I pour out the cereal and head back into my room.

They are here so often, I don’t think they should expect the niceties anymore. But there’s more to it than this. I’m afraid of their rejection. Inside me is my mom’s voice telling me that no one likes me.

Isabel enthusiastically greets me. Tia Lupe makes some comment about how bland I am. My Tia Belia softly says, “Hi Mireyita.” She speaks in a voice that reminds me of children.

I hide back in my room with the cereal I got from the kitchen.

I sit in my room reading. When I’m done with the cereal, I set it down and begin to wonder when it’s okay to go out again.

The women’s voices are a constant buzz against the walls of my room. I tell myself I hate the fact that they talk so much, but this isn’t true. I hate that I’m left out. I love that they are here. I love that they show up and unload and create worlds together.

When I leave my room again, mom is talking about buying a plot of land in Mexico.

“We can all live together,” mom says.

“No,” Lupe says, “the kids are American. Besides that one would never agree.”

“That one” is what she calls her husband.

I set my dirty bowl on the counter. I walk by them again and close my door.

For the rest of my life, I will think about this. I will wonder what loneliness drove her to end things. What was missing? But mostly, I will wonder what kind of person I needed to be for her to trust me. And this, this will change everything.

It will change the way I see mental health. It will change the way I understand compassion. The responsibility I feel over the systems in our family that made her death possible--will change me. And for many days over the next decade I will wonder about her arms. I will wonder about the arm she tossed over her body as she lay dying and waiting. I will think about her inky veins visible underneath the pale pools of her skin that look like blue Danube china. Later, when I’m married, I will collect this china and store it in my laundry room. I won’t use it. But owning it will mean everything to me. I won’t understand why, because sometimes thoughts are imprinted in us like transferware and they just don’t leave. All of my life, I will love the elegance of blue against white. As dignified as her death was not. For decades I will wonder what she felt in those last moments. I will wonder about the thickness of her skin—translucent like a moth’s wing.

For years later, I will wonder if death has lined us up like children ready to go home after the school day has ended. Had it, without my knowledge, put me in line after Lupe? I will spend hours thinking about this, wondering if my death is inevitable. Secure in my belief that depression is a deadly condition and I am next.

Except that I’m not like Lupe. I am stubborn. I am a tenacious problem-solver. When my own son turns 17 and has a mental illness, I rail passionately about what suicide teaches those that are left behind.

“It’s a damned legacy,” I will say to him.

He’s sitting on the living room chair. I’m sitting on the rug in front of him. And I’m yelling. Which isn’t necessary. He exudes fragility. He’s trembling. His eyes are shiny with tears and his mouth is shut tight. I hang on to him hard and decide that if I don’t let go, he can’t leave me. But I keep thinking that I can pull him through by sheer force of will. The way I might have for Lupe.

I find out about Lupe’s death as I’m walking into my mother’s house. I’m home from the mental hospital and still feel shaken from my own experience.

The scars of her death will haunt me. I will wonder at what point she decided to overdose. At what moment did she decide that emotions aren’t temporary? At what moment did she believe that the depression would last forever? I will also wonder about how she had the courage to do this while I was in the hospital myself. Was she trying to tell me something?

But right now, we drive.

Mireya S. Vela is a Mexican-American creative non-fiction writer, storyteller, and artist in Los Angeles. In her work, Ms. Vela addresses the needs of immigrant Mexican families and the disparities they face every day. She tackles issues of inequity and how ingrained societal systems support the injustice that contributes to continuing poverty and abuse. Ms. Vela received her Master of Fine Arts from Antioch University in 2018. She is the author of Vestiges of Courage, available through Amazon.

Ms. Vela is also a visual artist.

Twitter: @mireyasvela
Instagram: mireyasvela
Visual Art website: mireyasvela.com

0 Comments

12/31/2019 0 Comments

2019-One-Line Move Reviews of 2019

Art of Self Defense: A twisted, violent, and hilariously unsubtle romp through the dojo of toxic masculinity, featuring Jesse Eisennerg's Beta Male bona fides.
- Alex Simand

Joker: Is it subtle? No. Does it deserve awards beyond Joaquin? No. But does it at least attempt to portray mental health and economic inequality in an interesting way? Yes.
-Levi Rogers

I refuse to see Little Women, no matter how good I've heard it is, because I am so emotionally dependent on that one from 1994.
-Jane-Rebecca Cannarella

The Irishman: A very moving meditation on death, aging, reaping, sowing, crime, the canon of Scorsese movies, and the waste of using so much money on anti-aging CGI.
-Levi Rogers

Marriage Story: a several hour anxiety attack filled with revisionist history.
-Jane-Rebecca Cannarella

Marriage Story: A hyper-realistic portrayal of love lost and why everyone should just move to Philly.
-Levi Rogers

Knives Out-Just a fun and good mystery movie by Rian Johnson (Brick, Looper, Last Jedi) where Chris Evans plays an asshole in an excessive white sweater alongside a phenomenal cast.
- Levi Rogers

0 Comments

9/20/2019 0 Comments

In America, by Levi Rogers

In America,

You can only be one thing:
One color. One religion. One sex. One body type.
One hair color.
So say the Reality TV actors and producers that
currently run “America”
and have always run “America: The Greatest
Public Relations Campaign in Existence,”
to mask a shadier form of being.

America, I would call you the whore of Babylon
except I don’t think you’d even allow a woman
to hold that position of power
in your big swingin pale dick United States of
America.

America, did you never think
there would be consequences?
Did the founders pay lip service
to all, when they really meant one type
of America (n)?
Or did they truly mean All?
All skin colors and religions and shapes of feet and
tonsils
Have we just recently fucked it all the way to
oblivion?
Or has it always been so?
Have these United states ever been united?

In America we believe in Christianity even though
we don’t believe in the teachings of the blue-eyed
Norwegian whose paintings we hang on our walls.

America, you reap what you sow and yet You
continue to sow the same seeds
of
death
and
murder
and
guns
and I
don’t
underst
and it.

Go back to your land of potatoes, back to Kenya
where you were born,
Excuse me: you are a brown Muslim woman? A
Congresswoman!
What do you mean guns should have limits?

We had never imagined this in America and
because we never imagined it…
We fear it. The women from Minnesota and
Queens most of all.

I have lived in America all my life and I still cannot
explain America to you probably because we
cannot agree on a common America.

Oh! the boredom, the failings, the trappings, the
poor, the weak, the scared, the limits,
of the white imagination.

Levi has an MFA in Creative Nonfiction from Antioch University Los Angeles and has a Bachelor of English from the University of Utah. He served on Antioch University’s literary journal, Lunch Ticket, as an associate editor for the Diana Woods Memorial Prize in Creative Nonfiction. He runs a coffee roasting company by day and lives in Salt Lake City with his wife Cat, his dog Amelie, and his socks, all of which have holes.

0 Comments

7/3/2019 0 Comments

Chorus Blog: Play

(Sometimes it is hard to play)

“for you, anyway”
by Liz Bergland

your skin
smelled like cinnamon.
tasted like salt.

your lashes
brushed against me
when you slammed your eyes shut.

their force
knocked me to my knees,
layering bruises on bruises,

and that was the end of the game.

"and that was the end of the game."

do hats have feelings, though?
by Alex Simand

what happens to all the championship hats they make for the eventual losing team on the off chance that they become the winning team but don’t? do they smolder, lonely and weeping, in a box tucked in the back of a hostile arena? do they feel the pinch of never having achieved their purpose? it must hurt to be branded a champion and then not, an entire limb of existence lopped off at the point of possibility and shipped off to Africa, where the colonial world sends all its half-made truths. it must sting in the way of gloves forever buried in the snow, forgotten to the seasons, lost among the dog shit that layers the city like an archeology site.

and so we taught each other
how to fly

Panthor Dreams of Meadows
by Jane-Rebecca Cannarella

Panthor the purple panther always wished he got a say in the shit that Skeletor was doing, but he never did. Ripped from the wild as a cub, bridled and saddled and fashioned in green, Panthor only knew the service of evil. But at night he imagined green grasses that tasted like honey. In his sleep, he licked the corners of his jaws and smiled at the taste.

Every morning he despaired that his blanket was a course wool stranger instead of the friendly lambs he had befriended in his imagination the night before.

Obedient to a fault, in another dark morning followed by a dark day, Panthor set off to war with Battle Cat: his exact duplicate. Skeletor had harnessed him too tightly and the saddle chaffed his velvety flocking while his fully articulated master sat a-trot—his shrill voice bellyaching orders for yet another poorly planned He-Man attack.

The ground erupted with bombs of dirt in another round of dispassionate brawls that left Panthor feeling empty while Skeletor shrieked “ONWARD ONWARD.” But these onwards never produced triumphs, and the battle was the same as all the clashes before. Disappointing.

Retreating from the battlefield after Skeletor’s failure, Panthor could hear the victorious cries from He-Man and Battle Cat. He wondered why he was left to live in silence while his counterpart could shout with jubilation, it seems only some cats are good enough for speech. The army’s humiliated flight made a drumbeat out of the battlefield and someone shouted, “We’ll get him next time, your Evil Lord of Destruction,” but even that sounded hollow.

Panthor secretly perched on a ledge in Snake Mountain once he was back home and drew a picture in crayon of the fantasy land from his sleep. Clouds like frosting and golden fields that moved like waves. A small family that looked like they would know how to give a good scratch under the chin, plus some fluffy lamb friends. A tiny cottage with a rug in front of the fire that Panthor knew would be great for midday naps, and pantries filled with cakes—his favorite food, or so he imagined they would be. Panthor looked at his drawing. He picked up a purple crayon and drew himself into the scene, hoping that some of the magic would make his wish to live there come true.

Before lights out, as Skeletor’s court made plans for another fight against He-Man—fighting is the duty of the aristocracy of Eternia and Skeletor’s favorite hobby—Panthor named each of the figures in his drawing, he kissed each one goodnight in lieu of being able to say it to them aloud. He hoped they could feel love through the paper.

On the course wool blanket, Panthor thought of Battle Cat and how he could talk. If Panthor could talk he would say that he didn’t want this life anymore, no war / no more fights with Battle Cat / no Skeletor. But he wondered if he actually could speak, would anyone listen? Counting the friends from his drawings like sheep before bedtime, Panthor knew he was not made for the dark side of Eternia.

And that night, like all nights since he was a cub, Panthor dreamt of meadows.

And that night, like all nights since he was a cub, Panthor dreamt of meadows.

* sad hockey image taken from here

0 Comments

6/19/2019 0 Comments

I would like to swipe right on your book: Trying to bang down with Cactus by Nathaniel Kennon Perkins

t's like the Dating Game, only way hotter. I'm Janie and I'm trying to date your new book. In this case, I'm trying to get in with Cactus by Nathaniel Kennon Perkins and published by the gorgeous and world-shakin' Trident Press. According to Cactus' Hinge bio, it's all about [how] "In Cactus, correctional officer and ex-punk rocker Will Stephens works guarding prisoners who pick up trash on the side of the highway. One of them, a hardened inmate with a tattoo right beneath his eye, seems oddly familiar, but Will can't quite place him. When he realizes that the inmate is none other than the former lead singer of his favorite punk band, he must navigate an emotional desert landscape populated by neo-Nazis, asshole cops, guilt, student loans, and a double dose of mescaline tea."

Since I love punk rock and really really love mescaline, I feel pretty confident that the book and I are on a one way trip to bang town. But for the sake of the game, let's Dating Game the shit out of this book:

Q1. What was the last Netflix show that your book binged? If not on Netflix, why does your book hate capitalism?

A. Oh Cactus hates capitalism all right. Capitalism is a big ol’ problem for Cactus. However, after years of wearing black bandannas, living in failed polyamorous intentional farmstead communities, and eating out of dumpsters, the book has resigned to a sort of existential depression that centers, conveniently enough, around having its sister’s Netflix login. The last show Cactus binged was Sex Education. This is because all the characters at least TRY to be kind to each other, which is something Cactus needs to believe in. Also, Asa Butterfield was in that movie Ten Thousand Saints (Dir. Bergman & Pulcini, 2015), which is about punk rock, and Cactus all about punk rock. Or at least it used to be.

Q2. How does your book take its coffee after a one-night stand? Why is your book having one-night stands? Is it a commitment thing? Does your book fear commitment?

A. Cactus fears even committing to answering this question. Cactus fears expectations. Cactus fears letting everyone down. Cactus is having one-night stands in a last-ditch attempt to resurrect the ghost of a feeling of self-worth. This is why Cactus doesn’t drink coffee the next morning. Cocaine wakes it up just as well and is more effective for temporarily prolonging the ego boost provided by mediocre sex. Coffee is for later in the day.

Q3. How would your book introduce itself to my parents?

A. Cactus would be a little self-conscious about its face tattoo (it’s only a small face tattoo), but it would still look your parents straight in the eyes and give them firm handshakes.

Q4. Let's say your book and I are going to our favorite chain restaurant, what chain restaurant would we be going to? What drink with an unnecessary (or necessary) amount of candy in it would we get?

A. It’s a first date. You’ve been talking to Cactus at the record store it works at, and after a few weeks you’ve started messaging each other on Instagram. You meet it after work and walk to In-N-Out because it’s by the park and Cactus is broke. You don’t get drinks because Cactus has forties and a flask in its backpack. You sit in the park and eat and drink, and Cactus talks for almost a full hour about how it used to be vegan.

Q5. Does book have any creepy discrete collections in its home? Like porcelain miniatures or bottle caps or nail clippings?

A. Cactus isn’t sure if its collections are creepy, though it is worried that they might be. Covered in dust are a bunch of powerviolence and grindcore records that have disturbing and violent cover art. It has a bunch of early 20th Century French erotic novels (translated into English. It doesn’t speak French). It has stacks of horror VHS tapes. It has a folder on an external hard drive full of a collection of nude photos of all its exes. It feels incredible guilt about this folder, but can’t bring itself to delete it. It only looks through it when it is really, really drunk, and hates itself later. The folder is password protected so you won’t stumble across it.

You meet it after work and walk to In-N-Out because it’s by the park and Cactus is broke. You don’t get drinks because Cactus has forties and a flask in its backpack. You sit in the park and eat and drink, and Cactus talks for almost a full hour about how it used to be vegan.

Q6. When your book was in high school why did it get in school suspension?

A. In high school, Cactus had slightly different tastes. It got ISS for tagging “Ska Rulez!” in all the bathroom stalls. It’s girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend turned it in for the reward money, which was offered daily on the morning announcements. The next day, Cactus’s girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend walked around with a new pair of Adidas, saying, “Cactus bought me some new shoes.”

Q7. What is your book's sun sign / rising sign/ moon sign? And for fun, what is your book's sign in Venus because I wanna make sure that the bang-down is compatible, book knows how it is.

A. Venus in Aires, dude.

Q8. Sometimes I sit in my bed and rock and cry, would your book understand that compulsion?

A. Cactus didn’t think it was going to live to be 30. Then it went into the desert, took a bunch of mescaline, and everything changed. Cactus would understand. Cactus would recommend trying mescaline.

Q9. What are book's motivations? Did book birth itself like Athena jumping out of Zeus's head or did book come to life some other way?

A. Not unlike Mithra born out of the rock, Cactus was born from a bucket of dirty mop water left over from the cleanup of a previous, failed attempt at a novel about being a Mormon Missionary.

Q10. What does book prefer: WCW or WWF (wrestling not world wildlife)? Why?

A. Here’s a confession: Cactus doesn’t really know anything about wrestling, which makes it feel incredibly uncool in the indie lit community right now. But Cactus has very vivid memories of one particular WWF trading card it somehow acquired in its youth: Chyna. If not for Chyna, Cactus might not have become what it is.

Q11. Has your book ever gotten into a fight with a professional sports mascot? If so, which? If not, why not?

A. It’s a little bit more complicated than that. Cactus tried to take a selfie of it kissing Gritty on the mouth, and got its ass beat by security. Cactus is no stranger to ass beating. Who doesn’t want to kiss Gritty on the mouth though?

Q12. What movie makes your book cry?

A. The movie that MOST RECENTLY made Cactus cry was Big (Dir. Marshall, 1988). That scene when Tom Hanks’s character is all sweet and innocent and sleeps on the top bunk and gives Elizabeth Perkins’s character the glow-in-the-dark compass so she won’t get lost. Goddamn.

Q13. If your book was to date any Mortal Kombat character who would it be and why isn't it Johnny Cage? (will accept Sonya as a secondary answer)

A. Cactus is only interested in dating Street Fighter II characters, Chun Li specifically. That upside-down spin kick. Those legs. It might like to hook up with Blanka, too. Seems electric.

Q14. What song does your book perform at karaoke when its pretty drunk and shouldn't be making this sort of public spectacle but does anyway because sometimes you just have to belt it out to a crowd full of grimacing strangers?

A. “Mama Tried” by Merle Haggard. Cactus knows prison. Merle Haggard knows prison. “[Cactus] turned 21 in prison doing life without parole.”

Go support innovative and prose and poetry and pick up Cactus. Go support our boy and by extension all bossin' indie lit making a difference in this big bad world.

Nathaniel Kennon Perkins is the author of Cactus (Trident Press, 2018) and the ongoing literary zine, Ultimate Gospel. He lives in Boulder, CO, where he works as a bookseller. His creative work has appeared in Triquarterly, Maudlin House, Keep This Bag Away From Children, decomP magazinE, Pithead Chapel, Timber Journal, the Philadelphia Secret Admirer, and others. He is the recipient of the High Country News’s 2014 Bell Prize and has gone on two US reading tours, one with the sound artist Braeyden Jae in 2015 and another with the emo band Tall Boys in 2018. nathanielkennonperkins.wordpress.com

Cactus is available for purchase on Amazon and through Trident Press's website.

And here's a little bit about Trident Press: "Our publishing interests are as varied as the books we sell in the Trident Bookstore: punk rock travelogues, occult spiritual texts, weirdo fiction, anarchist political philosophy, and vertiginous poetry, among others. However, the releases from Trident Press are more alike than they are different. They are all half-funny, half-heartbreaking, and always beautiful and inspiring. "

0 Comments

5/17/2019 0 Comments

GOT Round 3, 4? The one where They, and we, burn everything down

IDK. WTF and Who the Fuck Cares Anymore.

In which I write like the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump (a man sure to go down in history as one of the greatest cons of all time if this whole thing doesn’t end in civil war).

LR: Oh god, where to start? That was a MESS. On the one hand, I watched episodes 4 and 5 and felt happy to just be watching the episodes. If you put all your critical and/or logical reasoning by the side, it works. On the other hand...what? WTF happened w/ Rhaegal? WTF happened with Ghost? WTF about Missandei? WTF up with Dany burning everyone alive? REALLY JAMIE! THAT HOW YOU MOTHERFUCKING DIE? You’re supposed to kill Cersei!!!! It’s literally in the prophecy. Nothing was earned or deserved with all those deaths and leavings. My only hope is that this thing ends in a good way so that we never have to remember Episode Four or Five of Season Eight ever again except as setting up necessary chess pieces. Episode 5 was literally the worst episode of T.V. in the history of Game of Thrones.

The beginnings of these episode were great because CHARACTERS. We love them. And I could watch hours of them all sitting around drinking, joking, talking shit,fighting, whatever. And then everything just gets rushed and SUPER feels hollow. LITERALLY torching all character development. I still feel like the whole “Dany might be Evil” is SUPER forced. My hope was that it’s just a momentary doubt but no. First Vary’s which, fine. Then she wins the battle. BUT torching everyone alive just out of spite? I don’t even see motivation for that kinda spite. If she’s the Mad Queen fine, but set that shit up! Did HBO have some sort of crazy deadline to wrap this up. WTF were Benioff and Weiss thinking? This is God-awful storytelling. Plus, Jon Snow is BORING. WTF happened to Dany as breaker of chains and inspiring hope? They’re really throwing her under the bus in my opinion, along with killing all the women and POC. Unless this is some sort of meditation on how war and power leave the world in an endless state of nihilism but even that’s not spelled out.

And, honestly, GOT has made me numb to human bloodshed, but what about the animals? Why?!

But human deaths still were terrible. Jamie and Cersei dying under rubble? Like was anyone else in the room for this decision? How could anyone think that’s a satisfying end? There were so many more interesting things that COULD have happened. Where did the imagination and wonder go?

Benioff and Weiss deserve to never work in television again after that episode.

Sam, what do you think?

Is there any way this can be saved?

I’m fucking done. There’s no way this works. They literally ruined the show. GODDAMNIT!

Sam Williams, First of his Name, Burner of all GOT DVDs copies, Destroyer of HBO Go, Unsubscriber from HULU w/HBO, Malcontened by D&D.

In short Levi, there is absolutely no way this season can be saved. Our only hope is that George R.R. Martin finished the books before passing away, and does so in a way that is satisfying.

I’ve been interested and frustrated by the argument that we who are “bandwagon haters” of season 8 are just furious that our own theories didn’t work out. I thought Bran would be the Bran who turned into the Night King, as mentioned in like Season 1. You know what, I’m not bummed that Bran isn’t the Night King. I’m livid that we got an expositional line by Bran explaining the entire Night King’s motivation for moving south of the wall.

I thought Cersei would kill the second Dragon by Dragon Fire or Giant Crossbow, not the Disney Pirate known as Euron. I thought Jamie would be the one to kill Cersei as Cersei tried to murder him, therefore fulfilling the “little brother” prophecy death while having Jamie die in the arms of the woman he loved.

I thought Jon and Dany might both die, leaving their child behind as the kingdom is ruled by a Protector of the Realm (Sanza or Tyrion). Most likely that won’t happen. I won’t be bent out of shape by it. Most likely Jon will kill Dany now, or Arya...someone will kill Dany.

Me being wrong has nothing to do with the level of angst I feel in relation to this TV show.

You nailed it Levi. The characters are the reason this show is so good. The goodness of Ned, the righteousness of Jon (though I find him boring too), the unrequited love of Jorah, the determination of Arya, the accrual of wisdom by Sanza; the character development and arcs are THE REASON why this show is so good. When it comes down to it, it’s not about the world building, it’s not about fan theories, it’s not about the spectacle, it’s not even about The Game, it’s about seeing the fulfillment of character development. At the end of the show it’s about seeing these characters finished in a way that leaves us satisfied.

That doesn’t mean the characters have to survive, or triumph. Rob Stark’s death is so satisfying because it is the tragedy of his too-young youth, his unborn child, the happiness and success he’s found--it’s all ripped away by his death.

There’s all sorts of arguments going about the interwebs dealing with whether Dany’s dive into madness is out of character or not. (Note:it’s ludicrous that fans are reaching into a level of vitriol that they’re putting down other fans opinions). The battle Dany has within herself to be good has always been there. She’s pulled excellent power moves to abolish slave-owners, to upset political order, to abolish unfair social systems. She’s also done so in a way that makes people uncomfortable: killing, and killing with fire.

Juxtapose Jon with Dany for a moment. Dany has no problem burning people alive. Jon performed a mercy when he shot Mance Raider with an arrow, killing him before the pyre could burn him to death. Jon certainly comes out looking a bit more sane there.

To so many, Dany represents a metaphor for the level of revolution needed to make actual change in the world. Yes, she’s burned individuals and masses. They’ve always been evil people, armed opponents, or prisoners/criminals. Yes, she’s absolutely gone a step to far, but she’s never, ever slaughtered children or innocent people.

Is it totally implausible that she would? Absolutely not. It’s conceivable that she could turn evil. I mean we saw her most trusted advisors and friends die, two of her children die, and the love of her life reject her. Those are the beginnings of a villain’s story. But that’s just it: it’s the beginning. What’s the major complaint with season 7 & 8? It’s too rushed.

This is where I burn everything down:

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why D&D rushed this ending. This is a hit TV show. No one is canceling it. Fans have put up with slow progressions, like Dany getting stuck in Mereen and Jon lollygagging around the wall. Were D&D tired of GOT? Did they want to move on to their Star Wars Trilogy? Why not take the time to flush out these moments a bit more? Why emphasize the CG so much and not the individual moments?

Honestly, it feels like D&D ran out of steam, which happens and is totally understandable, but then why not hand the show over to writers who care? Josh Whedon moved on and gave Avengers over to the Russo brothers. That turned out okay! After season 7 it might have been a good idea to think about new writers, ones who would do the story justice, rather than ones who plotted towards the ending.

This season feels more like writers who are looking at their bucket list of must haves: We need a the Clegan Bowl. The Night King needs to die. Cercei needs to die with one of her brothers...nearby? Dany needs to go Mad Queen. Check, check, check, check. Okay build in some foreshadowing. Pour in more foreshadowing. MORE FORESHADOWING

What happens when you rush something? The nuance needed to handle sensitive material cannot exist. For example: Dany the Mad Queen? Or Dany the Hysterical Woman Sexist Trope? Right now, we’ve got Dany the Hysterical Woman Sexist Trope. Why? Because the show didn’t deliver her motivation for snapping. We’ve seen the outline of the reasons (i.e. Dany’s advisors dying) but never given the screen time to emotionally process the impact of these plot points. We’ve only skated over them.

What has bothered me in the recent episodes have been the explanations by D&D as to why such and such a character is doing such and such an action. We are told that seeing the Red Keep is what sets Dany off. But in the episode it is unclear as to what is making her mad. Is Dany seeing Cercei? Is Dany angry that the battle ended so early? Beyond that, we’re never given Dany’s motivation for why she decides to do lazy loop-de-loops around Kings Landing neighborhoods, burning everything and everyone, instead of flying straight to the Red Keep and killing Cercei there?

Having Dany reach a level of murder that she never has before in order to allow a Cercei death scene with Jamie creates a type of storytelling that never really hits on the mark. Why isn’t Dany going after Cercei, well, the writers want her to die with Jamie. So she can’t just fly straight there. But WHY?

Whenever the answer is, “The script said so,” that storytelling can never satisfy.

I can understand why people enjoyed this episode. As far as TV goes, it’s an amazing episode. I mean compare it to an episode of any Day Time TV in any era and “The Bells” far exceeds that. But Game of Thrones is an all-timer, not just because of individual episode effects, but because of its incredible storytelling. The handling of the long-term storylines has drooped and then plummeted, and this episode managed to solidify, for many fans, that a satisfying ending won’t be reached. At least, not in the version of this adaptation.

Ultimately, Dany has gone from a character, fully formed and fully explored, to a cliche archetype of fantasy that ultimately is a poor service to the Dany we knew and came to love. Not only does this destroy the social justice message of the show, but it accidentally feeds this idea that women in power cannot rule, that they will be subject to sudden swings of emotion, unable to resist and head logic.

It’s a shame.

LR: I agree, I’m done with anything D & D do in the future. They really showed that they have not one ounce of imagination or sense of character arcs once they ran out of Martin’s material. Great adapters. Terrible writers for new content. Terrible finishers. It truly is a shame.

0 Comments

5/5/2019 0 Comments

Game of Narratives: Game of Thrones Round 2

(AKA The Death of Fantasy)
by LEVI ROGERS and Sam Williams

SO MANY SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SW: Levi, I’ve got to admit, while I LOVED that individual episode, I think the show-runners royally messed up the entire white walker story line. I mean, why should I even bother to re-watch scenes with Bran becoming the Three-eyed Raven, or the Night King chucking his spear into a dragon? By the time Arya thrusts her dagger into the Night King all we’ve been told is that the Night King wants to bring on an endless Winter and that he wishes to rid the world it’s memory, AKA the Three-eyed Raven. That’s it. That’s all we get. No explanation as to why the Night King didn’t kill Jon instead of staring at him, no explanation as to how the White Walkers knew to bring chains to fish the dead dragon from the ice, no explanations as to why Bran, not the Three-eyed Raven, but actual human flesh Bran and the Night King seem to have a connection. That doesn't sit well.

I mean the whole motivation as to why they go straight to Winterfell doesn’t really make sense. Aren’t they already going to rid the world of its memory by killing everyone? Like even if Bran is the only one left, he’s not going to be able to tell a bunch of Wights how the Night King ate stew one time and hated it. They’ll all be dead. Why go to Winterfell? Just because the town is literally named Winter Fell??? Honestly it seems like the show-runners couldn’t quite get their grip on this major fantasy element, and the White Walkers did what they did because the plot said so. Thoughts?

LR. I am in total agreement. It felt very anticlimactic to me. It would make more sense if Jaime were the one to kill the Night King or at least Arya said something like, “Not today” as she stabbed the Night King. But things just happened and then that was it. And the whole thing was VERY dark, which normally I’m on board with, i.e., the dark and chaoticness of battle, but still. It was fascinating to watch unfold, the suspense especially, and yet it left me slightly empty...which is what I fear for the finale.

SW: Of course, Bran could warg back in time and accidentally turn himself into the Night King, meaning that the Night King wanted to kill Bran before Bran became the Night King. ITS A POSSIBILITY RIGHT?

Don’t mind me Levi, I’m just grasping at the dust of what used to be my white walker straw. Anyways, what one question do you have about the last three episodes of GOT?

LR: I don’t really have questions. It just makes me really nervous about this ending in a satisfying conclusion. Is this why Martin has taken so long to finish the series? Because he knew there were some things that wouldn’t be able to be wrapped up? I don’t know.

SW: I’m super nervous. I think I’m one of few people who doesn’t care that much about who exactly sits on the Iron Throne. I’m interested, don’t get me wrong, but as it can’t be Cersei, who still needs to get murdered by one of her little brothers, and it won’t be Euron--as he hasn’t been written in a compelling way--then it’s got to be one of our heroes or the return of the white walkers, which I’m fine with.

My main questions all have to do with why did all these small moments from the Night King and Three-eyed Raven story-lines matter if this is truly the end of those stories? Why on earth did the writers waste time showing us the Night King turning a live baby into a white walker baby? You know?

I’ll get over it.

Because I don’t really have a question for moving forward, I did some sleuthing on the internet. Using all the powers of the internet known to mankind (a couple social media tools) I connected with thousands of individuals (around 36 random strangers and friends) querying after their every thought about Game of Thrones (asked people what one question they had moving forward).

I got some good responses:

Does Jon “come out” as a Targaryen?

How slowly will Cersei die?

What was Bran doing during the battle?

How hard will I cry and how long will my depression last when it’s over?

When’s the next book coming out?

Where’s GHOST?

A gif of the Hound and Mountain looking at each other with “SUP BRAH” captioning it.

A gif of the Hound drinking beer.

And a gif of Dwight from The Office throwing toilet paper.

My two favorite questions, as you probably guessed is from, friend of MMPP, Abbie Steckler, who is a filmmaker and editor down in LA. She wrote, “Who’s going to end up on the throne? That’s my main question for the season. And I guess my one big question concerning these few episodes - what exactly is Bran’s power and why is he useful?”

I think what Abbie is asking is a perfect example for how last week’s episode traumatized the fandom. This pressing question of who will win the Iron Throne, if the Iron Throne even exists by the end of this show, is the most pertinent issue moving forward. However, the fandom seems caught up on the apparent failings regarding the fantasy elements of the show. We seem split into two camps, one that decries what the show-runners have done with story-lines like the Night King, and one that believes the show has never really been about zombie-like snow creatures but only the political aspects. Basically it boils down to, “They aren’t wrapping this up that well” and “Shut up and enjoy the show.”

It absolutely matters who “wins.” The show has been leading up to that moment since the first episode. And while not all story-lines are created equal, it matters to a lot of people that we discover the mystery behind Bran, the Night King, the Lord of Light, etc. I mean, the show opened with the revelation that white walkers exist and are killing people. While the show runners have been exceptional in drawing us in to the political world of Westeros, we never got the world-building that fantasy such a compelling genre for viewers.

Who wins? I’d guess Sanza or Tyrion rule as protector of the realm, like Ned Stark was supposed to. Game of Thrones is so heavy handed with this circular theme--events repeating to help or hinder characters--that having someone fill the position Ned lost feels right. I’d guess that Jon and Dany both die but their child lives on.

However, like I said, this question is rather immaterial to me now. I’m more concerned with what you are Levi: Will this show be given the ending it deserves? That is based on so much more than just who wins, or loses, or dies. Starting with season five, as the show started its path away from Martin’s books, the richness of Game of Thrones has ebbed away, i.e. all the travel and timing issues that plagued season seven. And while separate episodes continue to dazzle, like the Long Night, the overall story has suffered. It seems Game of Thrones writers have been excellent at building off of what Martin created, but have not been as successful with creating new material. I may eat my words.

In the end it seems to me the only question worth asking is: What type of ending are we getting? I'm not convinced it's going to be the one this show deserves.

0 Comments

4/26/2019 0 Comments

Game of Narratives: Game of Thrones

Game of Narratives: Game of Thrones

SO MANY SPOILERS

Levi Rogers and Sam Williams

LR: It’s finally here. Season 8 of Game of Thrones. Time will tell but this might go down as one of the greatest shows of all time--at least in the top 5-10 up there with Breaking Bad, Sopranos, The Wire, etc. And Episode 2 showed us exactly why. The characters! Forget dragons and ice walls and lots of gratuitous nudity and violence, the characters and their storylines keep us coming back. As episode 2 wrapped up and we were gifted with a montage of characters lounging in Winterfell while Podrick sang an ominous, possibly foreshadow-y song about someone named “Jenny,” I realized that it might be the last time we see many of these characters alive. Tears: shed. All the writers of the show--Martin, Benioff, Weiss--are giving us a masterclass in how to write, develop, and sustain characters throughout the lifetime of a narrative. But, sadly, not everyone can live.

SW (AKA the Devil’s Advocate): Sooooooooooooooooooooooo. Imma step in here and say, I am so frustrated with the first two episodes. They basically add up to a two episode prologue. Couldn’t we have gotten a two episode prologue a year ago just to tease us? I’ve enjoyed moments: Arya owning her sexuality, Brienne getting knighted, Bran being creepy, and of course the tension between Sansa and Danny, Danny and Jon, and Danny and...well everyone (Mad queen vibes people). However, I would have loved an episode where we discover the Night King’s motivation instead of, what, six sentences about why he wants to murder Bran. That probably could have been funded on the 10 seconds of dragon porn we got in the first episode. The send off to characters we love is lovely, but doing it at the expense of the grit and grime of what makes Game of Thrones amazing is, shall we say, discouraging. And am I the only one who thinks the writers on this show, while nailing every other aspect of storytelling in Westeros, actually struggle with the fantasy elements (i.e. Night King motivation, Three-eyed Raven storyline, etc.)

I’m actually not expecting anything truly shocking to happen at this point though. GOT has dragged us through so many twists and turns that to drop us on a cliffhanger or unearned death at the end would not contain a satisfying end at all. We need resolution. It doesn’t necessarily have to be happy or death-less, it most certainly will not be, but it should be satisfying. I think this will be the hardest feat for the show to pull of--one that will either set the show in the citadels of television history for years to come, or wash away into the narrow sea of white noise.

SW: So this is what scares me, it feels like we already know who is dying: Brienne, Theon, Grey Worm, people in the crypt. But GoT is built on subverting expectations. This feels like the episode where we all think one character is about to die and then someone we think has strong odds to win the throne dies instead. Think Brienne fighting off a horde of wights to save Sansa and just at the moment where Brienne is about to die, Sansa dies instead. That type of thing. I’m freaking out.

So, we asked some questions last Sunday. And honestly the response was sub-par at best, but that’s not your fault. We’re all busy people, and I myself was watching The Portland Trailblazers defeat the OKC Thunder. Maybe you were collecting easter eggs.

But some of you DID answer.

According to Instagram poll, 90% of you said The Hound wouldn’t die, 10% said he would. One of you commented that he “better not!” I think The Hound will go but in the best way possible--killed by Arya in an act of mercy once he succumbs to a wound from someone else--his brother, The Night King?

SW: Arya is surviving because the Red Woman told Arya that they’d meet again. It feels like the Hound is prime territory for hero we loved turned wight or White Walker, possibly saving Arya. Yup. That sounds about right.

Most of our readers also picked some combination of Jamie and/or Tyrion as the best character/character with the best story arc. I do agree that Tyrion and Jamie have some of the best character arcs in the series. Tyrion, for me, needs to do something else before the show ends in order for me to care about him, as most of his dealings and plots and tragedies seem over and he’s kind of besides the point. Jamie, to me, seems to be the exact opposite, as if his whole journey has led him North for a very specific purpose. I cling to the theory that he is The Chosen One from the Lord of Light.

DA: You know who doesn’t have the best story arc? Jon Snow. His story arc is beyond boring for most of the series. Why? He is the archetype of medieval fantasy heroes. I mean, it’s smart to include him in the story so people who like that type of ragtag to king storyline can latch onto him. But yeah, not a big fan of Snow = Targaryen storyline.

Tyrion has the single best story arc until he becomes Hand of the Queen. And honestly it’s disappointing. I love Peter Dinklage with all my heart. His acting is incredible. As is Tyrion’s evolution from whore mongerer to smartest man alive. Yet, he’s taking major losses and really hasn’t lived up to the whole smartest man alive status for seasons. That being said, I’m super interested in the SUPER LONG CONVERSATION he and Bran had off screen. WHAT GOT SAID? WHAT DOES TYRION KNOW??????

Jamie has had the best character growth since his hand got chopped off. It’s amazing that he used to be my least favorite character and now he is one of my favorites. Really, really big props to the show creators. It’s a masterclass in storytelling. Jamie is one of four characters this season that has changed, grown, or shown some sense that it’s not just about preparing for a battle (Daenerys, Sansa, Arya and Jamie). So I think Jamie and Tyrion are great choices for overall character arcs. (BTW Jamie is absolutely surviving the next episode as he still has to kill his sister, since she’s prophesied to be killed by her “little brother.”)

I’d peg the Onion Knight’s rise to super important positions, Arya’s change from spunky little girl to survive-on-her-own woman, and Danny’s season one fierceness as the best mini arcs in the series.

No one really seemed inclined to vote very strongly on who will “win” the “Game” of Thrones. At this point, I don’t really care. I mean, I guess I care but I trust the creators and writers to give us a “bittersweet” ending (As George R.R. Martin has described it) and also one that is “surprising, yet inevitable,” which is what one of our writing mentors once said is crucial of all endings. At best I picture Dany destroying the Throne and her and Jon “sharing” it to some degree, i.e., in my best case scenario, there will be NO ONE, on the throne, but it will be a egalitarian position of rule shared by two decent people who want justice. THAT would be a great ending. At worst i see it getting messy with Jon and Dany and one of them dying and that would just be unfortunate.

SW: Okay, so I know “bittersweet” is the word being thrown around a lot cause Martin said so. I feel like that means Jon and Danny can’t share the throne, that one will die or both will die. I’d put my money on both dying, but leaving a child behind, with either Tyrion or Sansa ruling as Protector of the Realm, ending in the way that it should have been with Ned. I think Arya will end up as Warden of the North if she survives, and I’m pretty sure Bran is the Night King, which has not that much to do with winning the Throne, but I just wanted the world to know.

LR: Bran as the Night King?! That makes no GD sense to me but okay. And I peg Sansa as Warden of the North, just FYI. I really hopes Dany doesn’t die because she was the one ruler of social justice and redemption and “breaking the wheel” but lately, as I read from another article, it seems the showrunner are throwing her under the bus. I hope this exploration of whether Dany is just or not is just a small thread we had to go down to examine what if’s.

Anyways, happy watching all!

0 Comments

4/19/2019 0 Comments