I’m trying to be happy this year, really feel the Christmas spirit run through me like cheap beer, but you see there’s this one song that’s got me all hot and bothered. The song? Rudolph The Red-Nose Reindeer. It’s got me angry. Why? Well, first, it’s a very confusing introduction. Enter our (nameless) narrator of said song who asks, in the first stanza:
You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, But do you recall? The most famous reindeer of all?
Of course we fucking have! It’s like, duh, if we’ve heard of Dasher and Prancer and Vixen and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, then obviously we’ve heard of Rudolph, because as you say, Rudolph is the most famous reindeer of them all. Like, if you’ve heard of George Harrison, and Ringo Star, and John Lennon, then obviously you’ve heard of Paul McCartney? Like, if you’ve heard of Joey, and JC, and Lance and Chris, then obviously you’ve heard of Justin Timberlake? Like, obviously if you’ve heard of Mc Ren and DJ Yella and the D.O.C. and Easy-E, then you’ve heard of Dr. Dre and Ice Cube? Like duh? Shit doesn’t make sense.
Now, reason number two. I’m not all that familiar with reindeer lore so you’ll have to forgive my ignorance, but it also sounds like, according to the history of this—now—unreliable narrator, Dasher and Prance and Cupid and all them were the OG reindeer before Rudolph came along with his red nose to guide Santa’s sleigh. But before that can we talk about the fact that them reindeer verbally and maybe even physically abused Rudolph before Santa gave him the go ahead to fly? As it says in the song:
All of the other reindeer's Used to laugh and call him names They never let poor Rudolph Join in any reindeer games
You know one thing I do not want to support this holiday season? Bullying! The other reindeer didn’t even want to like Rudolph, they were forced to once Santa gave his blessing:
Then all the reindeer's loved him, As they shouted out with glee, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, You'll go down in history!
Now we’re supposed to give them a pass because Santa said it’s all good? I don’t think so. They only like Rudolph because of his economic contributions and flashing naval cavity. Does Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and Comet and Cupid even apologize to Rudolph? Perhaps offer to cover therapy costs for all the trauma they exerted upon him in his youth?
Hard pass on this song from me for this Christmas season. This has been your quick Christmas thought with Levi.