It’s interesting that through the #metoo and #timesup movement there hasn’t been more coverage of the fact that the biggest acting award out there is named for a man; the trophy itself shaped like a man! It’s like if the NBA’s logo was Jerry West instead of Michael Jordan, it just feels wrong. Can we change the trophy? Let’s just call it the Academy Awards and have the trophy be like two stars.
Anywho, we’re here to give out the best awards that an actor or actress has never won. We’ve named them “The Olivias,” complete with no trophy at all. Though we’d welcome any concept art as to how they’d look.
Most Fascinating and Tension Filled Scene that Should be Neither Tense nor Fascinating:
The making of an omelette in Phantom Thread.
The sewing of a dress in Phantom Thread.
The eating of breakfast in Phantom Thread.
No, seriously, Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest movie sounds like a total British snore-fest(about a dress designer in 1950’s London),yet it is anything but and quite literally had me on the edge of my seat for a such emotionally pure moments of connection and disconnection. Claustrophobia and breakfast abound. Also, it’s Daniel Day-Lewis’s last film, supposedly.
Best/Worst Return of an Old Curmudgeon
SW: BEST: Mark Hamill. “Hey look! It’s Luke Skywalker. Oh my gosh, he can act!” A million voices cried out these very words. Yet all of those truly faithful have been following Hamill’s illustrious voice acting career and those appearances in film and TV (Kingsman anyone?), knowing that Hamill is a dope actor. Also, his old version of Luke Skywalker is a total curmudgeon. The man walks around an island drinking green milk from the bastard child of an elephant seal and a giraffe. He also just lets Chewie kill two porgs. Who does that???
Worst Curmudgeon: Mel Gibson. I actually haven’t seen Daddy’s Home or Daddy’s Home 2 and I probably never will, but Mel Gibson still being put on the big screen seems to be a big deal and interesting pseudo-redemptive turn of events for this problematic man (especially this year, the year 2018) who has shouted racist and misogynist epitaphs. We’re all flawed and at times I almost bad for the guy, but not all of us shout such terrible things out loud while drunk - particularly to excuse antisemitism and hate speech - so it’s hard to actually feel bad. The only reason I even thought about him was because I was recently in Scotland and thinking about the movie all Scots hate* (Braveheart) and wondering where Mel Gibson was and then I was like, "oh yeah, duh, Hollywood has given him - of course - another chance."
*Interesting side note. The Scots hate Braveheart because William Wallace was actually kind of a loon who only won one battle. It was Robert the Bruce (the guy in the end of movie) who all the Scots truly adore and who, historically, united Scotland and actually did some noble shit.
SW: Ditto, Mel Gibson.
Best Curmudgeon: Frances McDormand. Do not fuck with Frances McDormand. Her role in Three Billboards is a curmudgeon for sure. But the best kind.
LR: Totally agree..
Most Realistic Sex Scene
SW: Lady Bird. High school aged, guy is a douche, girl believes guy’s lie about never having sex before. Girl is on top as a virgin. The sex lasts about thirty seconds. Girl gets a nosebleed. Yup. That’s about the most realistic sex scene about high school sex ever.
Most Creative Sex Scene: Blade Runner 2049.
LR: I mean, a hologram who hires a real woman to have sex with a guy she loves and he loves back all while flitting in and out of said real woman in a very well done threesome that could be between two people and one digital entity or one digital entity, one cylon, and one mammal. That’s love.
Runner up: The Shape of Water. Because who doesn’t like Fish Sex.
Best Absent Sex Scene:
SW: Interspecies sex! I feel like this what pearl-clutching white assholes always doubled-down on when it comes to marriage equality. “Oh my gosh, this sex revolution will lead to bestiality. Soon we’ll see fish having the maritals with women! It’s not right I tell you. What's next a man and a pizza?"
Well those people’s worst fears are confirmed. Male amazonian fish are doing it with women, though off screen. I’d say, given the evolution of porn, this is pretty tame for 2018. We didn’t even see any actual sex during the movie.
Anecdote: The people condemning this movie because of the “bestiality” part, probably haven’t thought twice about mermaids doing pirates, sailors, and princes.
Funniest Sex Scene
LR: Masturbating with a peach was something I didn’t see coming in one of the year’s best films, Call Me By Your Name, but it worked so well, was both funny, intimate, and relevant to the story line. Actually, the more I think about it, I think this year in movies might have some of the best/strangest sex scenes of film in some time.
Best Picture that Won’t get Nominated :
LR: Blade Runner 2049, The Big Sick, The Florida Project.
The Florida Project was the best movie of the year, hands down. All the others are solid, but this one really got me. You know all those pay-by-the-month or pay-by-the-day motels you drive by and wonder who lives there? Well, this is about one of those motels, a very purple one, managed by a brilliant and caring Willem Dafoe, just outside Disney World. It follows the the life of one trouble-making girl and her fun but dire and neglectful mother during a summer. It’s one of those that feels a bit slow-moving and uneventful, and yet, stays with you longer than most.
SW: Oh I totally agree on The Big Sick. I was gonna say Last Jedi, and I haven't seen Blade Runner yet, but I’d totally throw my weight behind The Big Sick. It’s a humorous movie that has an incredibly deep story line about love and illness. Also, Ray Romano is peak Ray Romano and that made me happy.
Bat-Shit Craziest Movie of The Year:
Mother! Arronofksy’s highly metaphorical and slightly pretentious movie Mother! is pretty crazy. But if you’re used to any degree by art-house films, it will be well within bounds. Luckily the director has enough winking throughout the movie that we never take it too seriously.
SW: I don’t know if I’ve seen a Bat-Shit Crazy movie, but the best Bat-Shit Crazy idea that got pitched was Jack Black playing a 16-year-old girl. Also, by far the funniest scene of the year is Jack Black being taught how to pee with a penis, since Jack Black is a cis-girl trapped in Jack Black’s body.
LR: WHAT MOVIE IS THIS?
SW: That’s probably important information! It’s Jumanji!!
The Post. Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks may be a match made in heaven for some. To me it seems like Oscar Bait and a predictable yawn-fest where everyone goes, “Yeah, that was good,” because of course it will be good, but I doubt it will be great.
SW: Logan. Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight was not a superhero movie. It was a crime movie that just happened to have superheroes. Likewise, Logan was not a superhero movie. It was a movie about government encroachment and family survival, and yeah there were superheroes. The movie is emotional, dealing with aging, disease, dying, loss, and learning to care again after so much defeat. This was a beautiful story and a beautiful movie and it won’t get a lick of appreciation from The Academy.
LR: Totally agree. Except it did get a screenwriting nod.
SW: But not best picture...
Best Song That Should Win But Probably Won’t:
Sufjan Steven’s “Mystery of Love” from Call Me By Your Name
ANYTHING BY LIN-MANUAL MIRANDA THAT DOESN’T WIN —*drops mic and hums “My Shot” as he exits metaphorical stage left.